party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize