He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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