I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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