Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
