my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
