Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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