Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
