my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
