yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude i'm inner monologue high
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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