so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
