oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize