Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
This baby is an asshole
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
