I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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