By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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