they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's shark week go big or go home
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
