he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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