Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
