I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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