I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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