Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
