why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
