I think I won the penis lottery.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
