I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize