ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
