So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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