a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
