I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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