there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
