Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
