Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
