There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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