By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sorry my hands just texted you
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
