i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
