Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i barfeds in our rink
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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