your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
