If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
