you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
