everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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