I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
