So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
