Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
