you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
