the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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