You made me cry and you don't even care
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
