your parents love me but you hate me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
