I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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