$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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