i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
