I just threw up on my dentist
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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