Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
