If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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