come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
