My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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