I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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