I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
