Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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