Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I will pee on everything he values.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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