Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
