When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You took a bar mat shot.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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