Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
