What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
