She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
