my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
